tied up and tucked away
by tsuguhas
Summary: the scars of yato's past are bleeding again. (he can't stop thinking.) — angst w / yatori [rated t for implications]


_title;_ tied up and tucked away

 _summary;_ the scars of yato's past are bleeding again. (he can't stop thinking.) — angst w / yatori

 _words;_ 764

* * *

sometimes loving hiyori is difficult.

not because she's unpleasant, or because she never bathes, or anything even remotely trivial like that. no, sometimes loving hiyori is difficult because she is too _good._ she is too thoughtful, too pure, too sweet, too lovely and unreal and idyllic — yato squeezes his eyes and scrubs at his wrists furiously as water ricochets off of his back. he chooses to focus on the yellowing tiles beneath his toes and thinks about dinner.

he curses.

* * *

it's challenging, he thinks, because also he is a god (and not you know, like, a god with a constant revenue and devoted believers. he has nothing. he is hated and trampled and bound to be forgotten. bound. bound to his upbringing. even if he tried to push it down. it is there) and she is your average teenage girl with goals that reach the sky (goals she is _completely_ able to reach) and eyes that shine like coins when he says those words.

but she still chooses him. every time.

"why," is all he says one evening after she kisses him breathless. her back is curved into his chest, his arms loosely knotted around her waist.

"b..cos," she begins sleepily. "you always ask me how i am. you always check to make sure i'm home safe. i never feel forced to be someone i'm not, like when i'm with my parents or relatives that aren't masaomi. i feel limitless and cared for and also ... you're cute," she mumbles into his sheets.

his hand brushes the back of her thigh.

"oh," is all that comes out.

* * *

really he's not sure what answer he was seeking from her mouth. it was true, he could tell, and the words were nice to hear. but he still felt ... lost. there was an overwhelming, no — _crippling_ sense of inadequacy. the nagging reminder that he needed to let go of hiyori because damn it, she didn't belong to yato, she belonged to the job of her dreams, a handsome kind man with financial stability. she belonged to her parents and this unforgiving shithole of a world. not to him.

[not to him not to him not to him _not to him]_

he clenches his fist as he lays there, eyes locking onto the ceiling.

a metallic smell reaches his nose. he stares at his palm, a terrifyingly familiar colour seeping from his palm bit by bit.

 _i need to clip my fingernails,_ comes his dazed note - to - self.

* * *

occasionally, want overcomes him and he's not sure how to receive gratification. it's not anything immediately identifiable, but one day he realises as he watches hiyori's interaction with yukine over homework. it's a dumb thing, but he aches all over. his body feels heavy and like he's drowning. no. like there's no air. like he's standing where there should very much be air, but it's just ... nonexistent.

he realises he wants freedom. he is tired of feeling so shackled to his past. to his job. to his status as what can barely even be considered a god. he wants to be able to love others and reach out without reservation. he wants to be able to carry hiyori through the streets on his shoulders and holler at the top of his lungs how much he absolutely, certainly, indubitably loves her and wants to be her one and only human husband. he does Not want to share, not one little bit and if it means he has to somehow smuggle her into a Catholic nunnery he is totally okay with it.

hiyori must feel his zoned - out gaze on her face, so she turns to look at him. her eyes soften. "hey, you dummy, where are your eyes, huh?"

yukine blushes furiously but continues scribbling away in his workbook and yato winks at her sleazily. "it's not like i haven't already helped myself to any goods you have to offer."

the comment is loaded and hiyori covers her face with her arms. she had left the door too far open for him to ignore it.

* * *

at some point as he watches hiyori sleep so soundly next to him, yato decides he will learn, little by little, to live and let die. move on.

he hopes against all odds it'll overthrow Fate's jealous self once and for all.

* * *

 _additional notes;_ aka i was writing this while crying bcos yato deserves so ... much better ... than what he has ... he needs .. healing ..

 _[originally published on ao3 on 181301]_


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